}
Showing posts with label Gay expat / Gay expatriate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gay expat / Gay expatriate. Show all posts

Sunday, November 02, 2025

Thirty years later

Today is an anniversary I’d never thought all that about much until it started getting closer. I mean I knew it was approaching, of course, but it’s only been this year that I started thinking in detail about it. Today, then, is what I think is a truly significant anniversary: Thirty years ago today, on November 2, 1995, I arrived in New Zealand to live and Nigel and I began our life together. This was our original anniversary as a couple, precisely because it’s when “we” began, and so, even thought we gained two more after the original one, we always still noted this date. Now that Nigel is gone, this particular anniversary is, for me, even more about the fact that I’ve lived in New Zealand for three decades—that, and how much I wish Nigel could be here with me celebrating three decades together.

In last year’s post I asked:
“Does the fact that perhaps [30] sounds more significant mean that one celebrates the 30th anniversary of being in a place? What about in 2031 when the number of years I’ve lived in New Zealand will equal the total number of years I lived in the USA? Or, does it become even more more significant the following year when the number of years I’ve lived in New Zealand will be greater than the number of my years living in the USA? For the record, I’ll be 72 and 73 in those two years—assuming, of course.
Yes, a 30th anniversary really does feel more significant, but just as there was no way for me to know for sure I’d be her for this one, there’s no way I know if I’ll be here in 2031 or 2032, though, for the record, I expect to be—or maybe I assume I will be is more accurate? The fact I can (and do) assume I have many anniversaries yet to experience is directly related so something else I said last year:

So, as I also said last year, “Even as I rebuild myself and my life, everything about this date is, and will remain, directly connected with Nigel. I’m so very glad it is, too.” Indeed. But I’m glad that a huge part of my life is also about loving in New Zealand. I have Nigel to thank for that, too.

Happy main anniversary, sweetheart.

Footnote: Something I’ve never mentioned before was that the Number One song in New Zealand the day I arrived was ”Gangsta's Paradise” by American rapper Coolio. Because this week also has an entry in my Weekend Diversion – 1985 series of blog posts, here’s the chart information, like what I add to those posts: “Gangsta's Paradise” reached Number One in Australia (3x Platinum), Number 29 in Canada, Number One in New Zealand (3x Platinum), Number One in the UK (5x Platinum), and Number One on the Billboard “Hot 100” chart (3x Platinum).

Previously:

Twenty-nine years later (2024)
Twenty-eight years later (2023)
Twenty-seven years later (2022)
Twenty-six years later (2021)
Twenty-five years later (2020)
Twenty four Years (2019)

Posts from happier years:
Twenty Three Years Together (2018)
Twenty Two Years Together (2017)
Twenty One Years Together (2016)
Twenty Years Together (2015)
Surreal 19th Expataversary (2014)
Eighteen (2013)
The day that really mattered (2012)
Sweet sixteen (2011)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)
Lucky 13: Expataversary and more (2008)
Twelfth Anniversary (2007)
Eleven Years an Expat (2006)

Related:
Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen

Friday, September 12, 2025

Thirty years, Part One

Thirty years ago today, on September 12, 1995, I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, and Nigel and I met in person for the first time. It obviously went well: I was back to stay just over a month later.

Nigel showed me some of New Zealand, I found a job, and too soon I had to fly back to Chicago—and I immediately started work to return to live here permanently. There was a lot to sort out.

Today’s anniversary was soon overshadowed by another, the date I arrived back in New Zealand to live, which we always thought of as our anniversary because it was when our life together began. Then we had a civil union, then we were married—there were so many dates to choose from! I probably needed my tongue-in-cheek “Season of Anniversaries” blog posts just to keep track of them all.

Not surprisingly, these anniversaries always make me think about—well, everything: The great adventure we shared, how bloody unlikely ANY of it was, and, of course, how much I miss Nigel and our life together. This year in particular I’ve been thinking about something I said back in 2012:
Never underestimate the power of love to make the improbable possible, or to transform the unlikely into an entirely new life.
Thirty years ago today was a weird mixture of excitement, fear of the unknown, and an awareness of what we were starting, and because we did, I got to be with the love of my life for the rest of his life: How could I ever NOT remember this anniversary?

Previous posts about my arrival anniversary (the first three and 2023 only mention it):

Anniversary Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Where it began (2010)
Anniversary of the beginning (2011)
Another anniversary (2012)
18 years ago today (2013)
19 years ago today (2014)
Twenty years ago today (2015)
21 years ago today (2016)
22 years ago today (2017)
23 years ago today (2018)
24 years ago today (2019)
25 years ago today (2020)
26 years ago today (2021)
26 years ago today (2022)
Anniversaries 17 and 28 (2023)
29 years ago today (2024)

Saturday, November 02, 2024

Twenty-nine years later

November 2 has been a VERY significant anniversary since 1995, because that was the day I arrived in New Zealand to live, and because Nigel and I began our life together that day, and so, as I’ve said many times, it’s what we thought of as our anniversary—until we gained more. Nigel is gone, but I’m still here, and in New Zealand, and the two meanings of November 2 will always be connected for me.

When I recently talked about the eleventh anniversary of our marriage, I said that, just like having an eleventh anniversary, the fact that today is the 29th anniversary of my arrival is “seemingly irrelevant”, and also that 30 “just sounds more significant, even though it’s merely one year later.” Does the fact that perhaps it sounds more significant mean that one celebrates the 30th anniversary of being in a place? What about in 2031 when the number of years I’ve lived in New Zealand will equal the total number of years I lived in the USA? Or, does it become even more more significant the following year when the number of years I’ve lived in New Zealand will be greater than the number of my years living in the USA? For the record, I’ll be 72 and 73 in those two years—assuming, of course.

Obviously, Nigel was the entire reason I came to this country, and so, the fact that I arrived took a backseat to the fact that we began our life together on that day. Both were very big deals, but it really was a case of the sum being greater than the parts.

Nowadays, this anniversary, and its powerful memories, is more about me and my life without Nigel, and that’s something I’ve been talking about more often in these anniversary posts. For example, in last year’s November 2 post, I mentioned Facebook “Memories” from the previous year, and they were about a couple projects I apparently didn’t talk about here. Aas I said in that post:
I mention all that because my life now is slow and ordinary, and sometimes it feels that little or nothing has changed from the previous year. This is my current reality, and it’s so very different from… 2018 [because that] was the last November 2 anniversary Nigel and got to spend together. I don’t even remember if we did anything special for that day, but our 23rd anniversary of living together wasn’t exactly a notable date at the time, and we just assumed we’d have many, many more anniversaries to spend together.
Those same Facebook “Memories” popped up again this year, of course, and that was especially relevant because I mowed the back lawn yesterday, and,yet again, tried to figure out what to do with the now severely overgrown bank along one side of the yard—and I came up with a new plan. This, too, is common sort of thing for me now that I no longer have Nigel to talk about such things with. All of this underscores how this November 2 anniversary now is mainly about my life, along with the powerful memories and emotions attached to November 2. I'm here in New Zealand because of Nigel, and everything I now am is a direct result of that—and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have no idea what my life will be like next year, except for the fact it’ll mark my 30th anniversary in New Zealand. I can easily imagine the cheeky sarcasm—and endearing warmness—that Nigel would pack into comments about such a large number. But he didn’t even get to be here for the 24th, let alone the 25th or beyond, so I can just barely imagine what he’d say a year from now—assuming, of course. I’d like to think that somewhere there’s a plane of existence in which that 30th anniversary would make Nigel smile. Whether that exists or not, I’ll have to smile enough for both of us—this year, next, and every other I’m fortunate to experience.

Even as I rebuild myself and my life, everything about this date is, and will remain, directly connected with Nigel. I’m so very glad it is, too.

Happy main anniversary, sweetheart.

Previously:
Twenty-eight years later (2023)
Twenty-seven years later (2022)
Twenty-six years later (2021)
Twenty-five years later (2020)
Twenty four Years (2019)

Posts from happier years:
Twenty Three Years Together (2018)
Twenty Two Years Together (2017)
Twenty One Years Together (2016)
Twenty Years Together (2015)
Surreal 19th Expataversary (2014)
Eighteen (2013)
The day that really mattered (2012)
Sweet sixteen (2011)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)
Lucky 13: Expataversary and more (2008)
Twelfth Anniversary (2007)
Eleven Years an Expat (2006)

Related:
Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen

Thursday, September 12, 2024

29 years ago today

Another year, another anniversary: 29 years ago today, I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist and Nigel and I met in person for the first time. As I said last year, “That went well: I was back to live here permanently seven weeks later.” That anniversary has changed often over the years, and it’s quite positive now, though, obviously, tinged with some sadness. Maybe it’s literally true that everything changes.

September is my least favourite month because of The Horrible Anniversary the end of next week, however, that doesn’t meant it’s unrelentingly bad or even just sad. There are high points in this month, and today’s anniversary is one of them: Had I not been able to travel to New Zealand, it’s entirely possible that what Nigel and I were building from afar would’ve burned out because it was just too difficult. Maybe not, but we couldn’t have known that: There’s little in life that’s definite or certain, and everything about my life over the past 29 years underscores that.

First, there was the fact that Nigel and I met at all, that I was able to come to New Zealand (because a friend who was a travel agent gave me a ticket), the fact that Nigel and I were as connected in person as we’d been over the thousands of kilometres, and then the fact I was able to secure a visa and work permit so I could live here. Not only was none of that certain, much of it would have seemed improbable before it wasn’t.

My story, then, is filled with improbable events that ultimately led me to where I am, literally and figuratively, today. The fact that this day in 1995 led to Nigel and me deciding build a life together is precisely the reason I picked this date for the start of my otherwise tongue-in-cheek “Season of Anniversaries”, which included events from today through to January, all of which are now coloured by what happened this month in 2019.

Despite all the shadow cast on today and the other dates in my “Season of Anniversaries”, I nevertheless always remember them all as they approach and then arrive, and all of them are actually quite positive now. That’s mostly because I have a sense of gratitude for what I had, and the fact everything changed, that I lost I the love of my life, doesn’t change the fact that up until 2019, this month, like all the others in the "Season", are, overall, good and positive. As I put it in last year’s two-anniversary combo blog post, “Despite everything, the good stuff is—by far—what I think about the most. Always.” That’s still true for all the anniversaries in the “Season”, even the horrible one. I’d rather have my old life than be grateful for what I used to have—obviously—but today reminds me that good things can happen no matter how improbable they may be. I guess that’s the motto for this particular anniversary; it’s a good one.

Previous posts about my arrival anniversary (the first three and 2023 only mention it):

Anniversary Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Where it began (2010)
Anniversary of the beginning (2011)
Another anniversary (2012)
18 years ago today (2013)
19 years ago today (2014)
Twenty years ago today (2015)
21 years ago today (2016)
22 years ago today (2017)
23 years ago today (2018)
24 years ago today (2019)
25 years ago today (2020)
26 years ago today (2021)
26 years ago today (2022)
Anniversaries 17 and 28 (2023)

Friday, December 22, 2023

Ask Arthur 2023, Part 1: Get here from there

And so it begins: Today I is my first post answering the questions for the 2023 “Ask Arthur” series. I’m carrying on with “tradition” and starting with the first question asked, and then going more or less in order, unless some have similar subjects/themes, in which case I’ll group them together, which I decide this as I go.

I did very little promotion of this year’s series because I simply kept forgetting, though I did a last-minute reminder yesterday. Anyone can still ask new questions, of course: Leave a comment to this post, or see the other options down below, at the end. I’ll call time on new comments in a later post in this series.

So: This year’s first question, as is usually the case, is from my pal Roger Green, who asked:

How difficult would it be for American to achieve resident status in 2023 cf with what you had to do c 1995? How about citizenship, comparing it with your process?

I suppose I could just say “I have no idea” and stop there, but that’s not how I do things—even if it’s literally true. The short version is it’s much more complicated now than back then, but it also offers some opportunities that didn’t exist back then.

Before I dive into the topic too far, I need to state up front that I’m absolutely NOT in any way an expert on migration and I’m not trained or authorised to talk about New Zealand immigration law or policies. I can talk about what I experienced 28 years ago, and I can offer my opinions about current policies (which are always subject to change), but for authoritative information, one should check on the website of Immigration New Zealand or talk to a licensed immigration consultant—and be aware that immigration consultants outside of New Zealand may not be licensed by the New Zealand Government. Definitely a caveat emptor situation.

That out of the way, here’s the short version of my experience. When I was applying for a work visa/permit, New Zealand still used a straightforward and very simple points system for permanent residence (not just a work permit/visa) that awarded points based on things like age, education, job offers, etc. Had I been able to submit my application immediately, I’d have (probably) qualified for permanent residence under that system, however, there was a delay (I don’t remember what or why), and I had to use the new, somewhat tougher system to apply. Nevertheless, I was granted a work permit/visa and I arrived to New Zealand—permanently, it turned out—on November 2, 1995.

I sarcastically referred to what I had as “indentured servitude” because my permit was linked to my specific employer, and when that company shut down in 1997, I could’ve been forced to leave New Zealand, however, I had options that allowed me to stay. There were also rule changes that helped.

Originally, I needed a work permit because Nigel couldn’t sponsor me for permanent residence as his partner until after we’d been together for four years (at the time, it was two years for unmarried opposite-sex couples, and six months for married couples, who back then could only be opposite-sex). However, I was able to get a new temporary permit with him sponsoring me, rather than an employer, and that meant I could work for anyone. In June, 1999, I got a Permanent Residence Permit, again as Nigel’s partner, and that removed all worry about being forced to leave New Zealand. That great day only happened, by the way, because the Minister of Immigration at the time, Tuariki Delamere, ended the discrimination against same-sex couples (something I wrote about back in 2011). I recently had an opportunity to thank Mr Delamere for changing everything for Nigel and me.

This brings us up to more recent times. In the years since I immigrated, things have changed many times. In general, that’s been done to focus on what New Zealand needs, such as, investment (favoured by the rich because they can buy their way in), or to attract workers with skills New Zealand lacks. Who, specifically, the NZ Government is looking to recruit, and what, precisely, the immigrant gets (including how long they can stay), changes from time to time. Immigration NZ has an area of their website about what work visas are currently available,”Visas that allow you to work”. It’s also worth noting that there are usually ways to extend permits and visas, but that varies from visa to visa and the rules themselves are often changed, too, but there’s generally no specific restrictions or benefits that people get for being from a particular country, but even that may change from time to time.

Young people from various countries can apply for a “Working Holiday Visa”. The age limits and maximum permitted stay varies from country to country, depending on the agreement NZ and the other country make. To Roger’s question, there’s currently a Working Holiday Visa for Americans 18-30, something that allows a young American to work in New Zealand for up to a year or study/train for six months (as an example of differing rules, for UK citizens, the age range is 18-35 and can last for up to 36 months). In my opinion, the main benefit of the Working Holiday scheme is that it gives young people a chance to “try out” living and working in New Zealand before committing to the country, and that’s actually a really good idea (but one that couldn’t have been an option for me in 1995, had it existed).

Overall, then, there are far more options than were available when I migrated to New Zealand—but having so many options also increases complexity. Applicants who have a partner are no longer discriminated against based on their sexual orientation—it's equal now. I must add, though, that the whole reason I was able to stay in New Zealand was that this country DID allow a New Zealander to sponsor their same-gender partner, something the USA didn’t do at all in 1995, and still doesn’t do unless the couple is legally married (for now—possibly subject to change beginning January 2025).

One final note on work-permits/visas: They become harder to get the older one is, and the cut-off has often been when one is over 40-45. However, that, too, could change, and there also may be other residence permits available, however, I don't personally know anything about that because I never used any options other than the work permit, and later the Permanent Residence Permit.

The rules and requirements for New Zealand citizenship appear to be essentially the same as when I applied. The New Zealand Government's official website has a specific section about citizenship, "Check you meet the requirements for NZ citizenship", which includes a self-test and descriptions of the requirements. In my day, things were much more paper-based (I first talked at some length about me becoming a New Zealand Citizen in a blog post back in 2014). 

I’m well aware that the political situation in the USA (in particular) has made some people feel they should investigate escape options. I think it’s always good to have options, and it’s not my place to judge people’s reasons for considering emigration. In fact, there are American-born supporters of the orange senior citizen from Florida who have migrated to New Zealand (though I’m certain that the vast majority of his few hundred fans in NZ were born here).

Having said that, I do think that migrating solely to escape a political situation one doesn’t like isn’t a great idea. No country on earth is perfect, and that’s true of New Zealand, too. People who come here because they’re moving FROM something rather that TO something may find that their choice isn’t as happy as they anticipated (and there are consequences American citizens face for living overseas, like potential double taxation, for example—a topic I’ll talk about in a future AAA-23 post). My advice to anyone seeking to migrate to another country—any country—is to consider whether the potential new home is a good fit, whether lifestyle, values, weather, shopping—basically anything and everything about daily life—feels right all by itself, putting aside what one wants to get away from.

When I moved to New Zealand in 1995, it was absolutely and completely about moving TO something, namely, a new life with Nigel. He and I always kept moving toward something for the rest of out time together, and that was a critical reason for our happiness. So, when I tell would-be immigrants to only contemplate moving toward something, it’s based completely on my—our—personal experience.

Thanks to Roger for today’s question!

It’s not too late to ask a question: Simply leave a comment on this post (anonymous comments are allowed). Or, you can email me your question (and you can even tell me to keep your name secret—though, why not pick a nom de question?). You can also ask questions on the AmeriNZ Facebook page, though keep in mind that all Facebook Pages are public, just like this blog. To avoid being public there, you can send me a private message through the AmeriNZ Facebook Page.

All posts in this series are tagged “AAA-23”. All previous posts from every “Ask Arthur” series are tagged, appropriately enough, ”Ask Arthur”.

Previously:

”Let the annual inquisition begin” – The first post in this year’s series.

Thursday, November 02, 2023

Twenty-eight years later

28 years ago today, on November 2, 1995, I arrived in New Zealand to stay, and Nigel and I began our life together—which is why we used to think of Nov. 2 as our anniversary. 10 years ago today, we had a big family party at our house to celebrate our marriage two days earlier. All of which is why I’ve felt so contemplative lately.

I clearly remember that after I got to our house that hot 1995 day, Nigel picked me up and brought me into the city. While he finished up work, I went and got a power cable for my Macintosh, and then went to McDonald’s at Victoria Park Market (long gone) to wait for him. We went home, and, being totally exhausted from the trip, I don’t remember anything about that evening, except for one thing: We cuddled up on the sofa to watch some TV and I fell asleep with him holding me.

Facebook “Memories” told me this morning that one year ago today I was in the midst of clearing the bank along the side of my property and I assembled one of three planters I bought. That bank is now thoroughly overgrown again, mostly because of all the bad weather over the past year, and I decided against using those planters—maybe I still will? Currently scheming. Again.

The thing is, my reality this year is like last year: November 2 is an ordinary day, though one with powerful memories and emotions attached to it. I did ordinary, routine stuff on my own as I have for the past four years (and Leo helped by wagging his tail, running around, and by barking at invisible dangers out on the street). Instead of celebrating an anniversary, I’ll be living it: The life I’ve had for the past 28 years began on that 1995 day.

In recent weeks, I’ve been talking about the various way in which uncertainty is still all around me. This is, of course, nothing even remotely new, and it has, in fact, been with me to varying degrees since Nigel died. Last year I wrote something that’s just as true this year:
I have no idea if this uncertainty will change in the years ahead, or how it might change if it does. Right now, the fact that Nigel and I always saw this anniversary as our main one is still the main thing I see when I see the date on the calendar. And I’m still perfectly okay with that.
And that is what’s been on my mind lately. Except for that part about what I did last year. I don’t easily remember that kind of thing. Nigel would be the first to point that out, too.

Happy main anniversary, sweetheart.

Previously:
Twenty-seven years later (2022)
Twenty-six years later (2021)
Twenty-five years later (2020)
Twenty four Years (2019)

Posts from happier years:
Twenty Three Years Together (2018)
Twenty Two Years Together (2017)
Twenty One Years Together (2016)
Twenty Years Together (2015)
Surreal 19th Expataversary (2014)
Eighteen (2013)
The day that really mattered (2012)
Sweet sixteen (2011)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)
Lucky 13: Expataversary and more (2008)
Twelfth Anniversary (2007)
Eleven Years an Expat (2006)

Related:
Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

Anniversaries 17 and 28

17 years ago today, I began my AmeriNZ Blog, and I began my podcast six months later. I’m still doing both, so I guess that means I was a “content creator” way before the term was invented?

More importantly, yesterday was the 28th anniversary of when I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, and Nigel and I met in person for the first time. That went well: I was back to live here permanently seven weeks later.

Those are the high points in what’s otherwise a terrible month for me—so much so that my theme song for the month is Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends”.

However, these two anniversaries are firmly linked because in 2004, Nigel first suggested I start a blog. Then, when I finally did in 2006, he suggested I start a podcast, and, after I did that, he kept buying me better and better equipment to do it. I may have started one or both without him in my life, and his encouragement, but it’s also possible I never would’ve.

So, the fact that my blog turns 17 today is directly connected to fact that Nigel entered my life 28 years ago. Despite all the sadness and pain that this month dredges up for me, and the fact that’s also connected with Nigel, what I think of most up until mid-September is how much being with him changed my life, and how grateful I am for that. Of course, that’s also precisely what makes the second half bad—specifically, that he’s not here. But the good stuff? OMFG, the stack is higher than any mountain. The blog is barely a foothill amid so much good, but it’s still one of the many good things Nigel helped bring into my life.

Despite everything, the good stuff is—by far—what I think about the most. Always.

Previous posts on my blogoversaries:

Anniversay Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Fourth blogoversary (2010)
Fifth blogoversary (2011)
Sixth blogoversary (2012)
Seventh Blogoversary (2013)
Ten years of the AmeriNZ Blog (2016)
The AmeriNZ Blog is eleven (2017)
The AmeriNZ Blog is twelve (2018)
The AmeriNZ Blog is thirteen (2019)
The AmeriNZ Blog is fourteen (2020)
The AmeriNZ Blog is fifteen (2021)
The AmeriNZ Blog is sixteen (2022)

Previous posts about my arrival anniversary (the first three are repeated from above):

Anniversary Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Where it began (2010)
Anniversary of the beginning (2011)
Another anniversary (2012)
18 years ago today (2013)
19 years ago today (2014)
Twenty years ago today (2015)
21 years ago today (2016)
22 years ago today (2017)
23 years ago today (2018)
24 years ago today (2019)
25 years ago today (2020)
26 years ago today (2021)
27 years ago today (2022)

Friday, November 25, 2022

Worthy of a special dinner

Yes, the photo above is my dinner, and yes, it’s Thanksgiving in my native land, but the two aren’t actually connected that tightly. Most years since I moved to New Zealand, I’ve had, at most, a turkey sandwich for lunch on Thanksgiving, but those products don’t seem to be at supermarkets any more—or, at least, the two closest to me don’t stock it (I checked). So, I bought a small frozen “turkey breast roll” (by the same NZ company that used to sell sandwich turkey), and figured I could slice up the leftovers for sandwiches. I only bought it, though, because it was at a super-special price at Countdown. Otherwise, I’d have skipped it this year.

I also bought some orange kumara (sweet potato) for a curry I make (because the red/purple skin kind is too hard to peel). I also made “stuffing” using some of the bread I made last weekend, and I had some frozen green beans. The turkey roll didn’t make any juices, so I didn’t make any gravy (and I’m out of the mix kind). Still, it was very nice (even if the turkey tasted a bit more like chicken…).

If the whole thing hadn’t been spur of the moment, I could’ve had the family round, but my house is a tip, with the lounge filled with lots of bits and pieces from my projects outside. My dining table has been buried for weeks.

So, I told myself I had to completely clear the table so I could have my “special” dinner sitting at the table like a (somewhat) civilised adult. It took me a couple hours because I dealt with the stuff on the table, and didn’t merely move it somewhere “for now”. I now have my table back, which is a good start, if a small one.

Today, then, was really about making small progress, and also giving a nod to my heritage. As it happens, the last time I did any sort of Thanksgiving dinner was six years ago today; Facebook “Memories” reminded me, and that I made roast chicken (Nigel didn’t like turkey).

All of this came after I had an emotional crash earlier today. I’ll talk about it eventually (because I think the topic deserves it), but the gist is that I had a demand made of me that was, at that moment, the “last straw”. I’ve been trying so damn hard to make progress around the house, outside in particular, and it’s been extremely difficult for a lot of reasons. Today I felt as if it was all pointless, that I was shoved back a hundred miles from the start line. Crushed, I was also livid, and I found myself swearing profusely if, say, an inanimate object fell over in the middle of me doing something.

I talked myself off the ledge, and I was aware that Nigel could always do that—but even more aware that none of this stuff would be happening if Nigel was still here.

The point of the story, or it’s connection to my pseudo-Thanksgiving dinner? First, I was able to experience and then move past a bad time today, and that my determination—or maybe it’s stubbornness—made that possible. Second, even after a terrible awful (nearly) two years (which followed another bad year and a half), I can still confront adversity with my usual “Oh yeah? Watch this!” attitude. Even when low points come along, I can still push past them, and that’s something to be thankful for, which makes it worthy of a special dinner, regardless of the date.

Tonight, because of or despite everything, it was more than worthy.

Wednesday, November 09, 2022

Waiting and worrying

I haven’t said anything about US politics in ages, for a lot of reasons, but in the background, I’ve been feeling literally sick for quite some time because my homeland may be about to begin a less-than-slow-motion self-evisceration. I’m literally sick of feeling this way about the USA.

On the other hand, I have hope that opinion polls, which have been thoroughly unreliable since at least 2016, will continue their record of being perfectly imperfect, and they’ll be wrong once again. It’s not just that I want Democrats to win, though obviously I do, it’s that I want democracy to survive. If the other guys win, US democracy will need to be booked itself into hospice and palliative care. If the good guys win, there will be a chance that democracy can recover and heal.

But there’s nothing more that anyone can do now. I hope I’ll soon feel better. I hope the majority in the USA—and that its democracy—do, too.

Wednesday, November 02, 2022

Twenty-seven years later

27 years ago today, I arrived in New Zealand to begin my life with Nigel. That sentence is the one true thing about this date, one that Nigel and I always saw as our main anniversary because it was when “we” began. But that’s a memory now. Maybe the fact my life in New Zealand began on this date in 1995 is what will matter more in the years ahead? I still don’t know.

Around the time Nigel and I were married, I was thinking about anniversaries—and by then we had quite a few. I already knew it was HIGHLY improbable we’d see the 50th anniversary of our 2009 civil union, let alone our 2013 marriage, but I thought we had a good shot at reaching our 50th anniversary of November 2, 1995. Fate had other ideas; fate is such an arsehole. Now, though, I know can’t even be sure I’ll see the 30th anniversary of the date—we can’t know anything about what fate will decide. That arsehole.

What I’m still saying, to repeat what I said last year, is that “the original reason to celebrate this particular anniversary is now gone, and my own personal reason doesn’t yet have any meaning for me that I can adequately describe or explain, and that’s because my life in general lacks such meaning.”

I have no idea if this uncertainty will change in the years ahead, or how it might change if it does. Right now, the fact that Nigel and I always saw this anniversary as our main one is still the main thing I see when I see the date on the calendar. And I’m still perfectly okay with that.

Happy main anniversary, sweetheart.

Previously:
Twenty-six years later (2021)
Twenty-five years later (2020)
Twenty four Years (2019)

Posts from happier years:
Twenty Three Years Together (2018)
Twenty Two Years Together (2017)
Twenty One Years Together (2016)
Twenty Years Together (2015)
Surreal 19th Expataversary (2014)
Eighteen (2013)
The day that really mattered (2012)
Sweet sixteen (2011)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)
Lucky 13: Expataversary and more (2008)
Twelfth Anniversary (2007)
Eleven Years an Expat (2006)

Related:
Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen

Monday, September 12, 2022

27 years ago today

27 years ago today, September 12, 1995, I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist and met Nigel in person for the first time. That day began the story I lived until 2019, when Nigel died, however we at least got to have this last anniversary together. After he died, this particular anniversary took on a different, new significance because of what began on this day in 1995: The start of my New Zealand story arc.

Every year, this date also marked the my tongue-firmly-in-cheek “Season of Anniversaries, and while I no longer have that, I still remember and not the dates that were part of it. There’s a very simply reason for that: All those other dates are also markers of my journey along this story arc, and so, no less significant. They’re also bittersweet, though.

As I said last year, I stand behind everything I’ve said in previous years. While it’s true that my story has changed dramatically, it hasn’t yet ended, and neither has my noting of significant dates in that story, even if what I say about them changes in the years ahead, something I can’t possibly know righ now.

So, it’s now 27 years after I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, and I’m still completely anchored in this place, even if my anchorage is gone. This place is where whatever my life will become will emerge, and this date was the real start of it.

There had to be one good thing about September.

Previous posts about this anniversary (the first three only mention it):

Anniversay Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Where it began (2010)
Anniversary of the beginning (2011)
Another anniversary (2012)
18 years ago today (2013)
19 years ago today (2014)
Twenty years ago today (2015)
21 years ago today (2016)
22 years ago today (2017)
23 years ago today (2018)
24 years ago today (2019)
25 years ago today (2020)
26 years ago today (2021)

Tuesday, November 02, 2021

Twenty-six years later

26 years ago today, I arrived in New Zealand to begin my life with Nigel. Because of that, this was the date that we always saw as our anniversary, even after we gained a lot more anniversaries to celebrate. Now? I’m not sure it means more than any other significant day to remember, and I already have plenty of them.

This year, I didn’t spend any time thinking about the day in relation to my time in New Zealand by itself. I didn’t even make any sort of special post about that part on my personal Facebook, something I did most years. But even when I made those posts, I would mention Nigel, since he was the reason there was anything to celebrate. Today, I just shared a photo of our family at our house eight years ago today, when we held the party to celebrate that we were legally married.

I chose to post that on my personal Facebook today because this is two days after what as an emotional day remembering the eighth anniversary of our marriage. I don’t know why I felt so emotional this year; maybe it’s because of the never-ending Lockdown, maybe it’s because Nigel’s been gone two years now, or maybe it’s all that or even something else. I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is that it was even possible that I could’ve forgotten about today altogether—as highly improbable as that was.

The original reason to celebrate this particular anniversary is now gone, and my own personal reason—that it marks the start of my life in New Zealand—doesn’t yet have any meaning for me that I can adequately describe or explain, and that’s because my life in general lacks such meaning. I guess a low-key day was probably inevitable for me this year.

Maybe in future years, after I figure out things (including my life…), this day will have a new meaning for me. But right now? Still? It’s the anniversary that Nigel and I always took as our important one, and that still overshadows everything else. And right now, I’m perfectly okay with that.

Happy main anniversary, sweetheart.

Previously:
Twenty-five years later (2020)
Twenty four Years (2019)

Posts from happier years:

Twenty Three Years Together (2018)
Twenty Two Years Together (2017)
Twenty One Years Together (2016)
Twenty Years Together (2015)
Surreal 19th Expataversary (2014)
Eighteen (2013)
The day that really mattered (2012)
Sweet sixteen (2011)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)
Lucky 13: Expataversary and more (2008)
Twelfth Anniversary (2007)
Eleven Years an Expat (2006)

Related:

Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen

Sunday, September 12, 2021

26 years ago today

26 years ago today, September 12, 1995, I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, marking the beginning of the story arc I lived for 24 years—until 2019. Since then, it’s been a changed story arc, but it’s one based on, and a continuation of, what began on this day in 1995. That’s precisely why it still matters.

I’ll be honest: After Nigel died, I wasn’t sure I’d keep acknowledging this date, and I seriously considered make the 25th Anniversary post last year the last one ever. But September is such a crap month for me, even more so now with the death of my beloved boy Jake, that I think something positive within the month is the best I can do to sort of balance things out a little bit. A teeny, tiny, little bit, but still.

I stand behind everything I’ve said in previous years, and I've noticed how often I've repeated something I said back in 2012: “Never underestimate the power of love to make the improbable possible, or to transform the unlikely into an entirely new life.” I still believe that’s sound advice, not in spite of what I’ve been through, but because of it. And yet, there’s more.

In 2013, I posted  about the day on my personal Facebook (an image of that is at the top of last year’s 25th Anniversary post, linked to above and at the bottom of this post), and I quoted that same line from 2012, and added, “I still believe, despite everything, that love always triumphs. Always.” That, too, is a conviction I still have, and, again, it’s because of what I’ve been through.

Today, I wrote on my personal Facebook why this day still has importance:
September 12, then, will always be an important day for me because it was the start of the adventure I’m currently riding, and also because it was the last anniversary of one of our important days that [Nigel and I] were able to share together. Because of what began on September 12, 1995, I’ve always said love is powerful, and that it always wins. I still say that. I now know that love is more powerful than death, too. But damn, I wish I hadn’t learned that lesson.
And that’s why I’m not going to stop talking about this day—not yet, anyway. My tragic experience has taught me far more about the power of love than I could ever even have guessed had I not suffered such a huge loss. It’s the secret to why I’m still here and still moving forward. Damn right I’m going to celebrate it!

So here I am, 26 years after I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, now completely anchored in this place—and whatever my life will become. This is now me, my story, my place in the world. I can’t change the horrible thing that happened two years ago, but I would never give up the 24 years before that horrible day, because it’s all part of of the core of who I now am. And the date that really started it all was September 12, 1995, 26 years ago today. There had to be one good thing about this month.

Previous posts about this anniversary (the first three only mention it):

Anniversay Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Where it began (2010)
Anniversary of the beginning (2011)
Another anniversary (2012)
18 years ago today (2013)
19 years ago today (2014)
Twenty years ago today (2015)
21 years ago today (2016)
22 years ago today (2017)
23 years ago today (2018)
24 years ago today (2019)
25 years ago today (2020)

Monday, November 02, 2020

Twenty-five years later

25 years ago today, I arrived in New Zealand to begin my life with Nigel. Because this day was the real start of “us”, we always saw it as our anniversary, and even though we added other notable dates over the years, this always remained The Big One. How could it not? November 2, 1995 was the day that “we” finally began.

There’s no two ways about it: This is no longer as happy a day as it once was. It never, ever occurred to me that Nigel wouldn’t be here to celebrate our 25th year. November 2 was always our thing, and my thing, and it was about us, while also being about me. Now it’s only my thing, and only about me.

I was keenly aware of our approaching 25th anniversary, and I wanted to celebrate it. Part of that was because I realised that November 2 was the only one of our anniversaries where we might get to see a 50th: I was 36 in 1995 (Nigel was 31), but I was 50 when we had our Civil Union (he was 44), and 54 when we were married (he was 49). Besides, it was our main anniversary, anyway.

So, in late 2018 I started thinking about what we could do to celebrate. Nigel and I talked about it a bit, and we thought we might go to Hawaii, a place neither of us had ever been. We never finalised any plans (and, as it happens, going there would have been impossible because of Covid), and we never got any farther talking about it, either.

In early 2019, I thought about asking my FB friends for suggestions, but there was my birthday in January, then I was in hospital in May, and then, well there was just ordinary life—until our life together ended. Nigel lived to see the 24th anniversary of when I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, and we met in person for the first time, which was kind of like the introduction in the story of our life together. Eight days after that anniversary, he was gone.

A series of fateful events led us to find each other and brought me to New Zealand, and now I’m still here, 25 years later, but all alone. Fate intervened in a different and terrible way than we’d ever anticipated, so I never thought I’d be here at this 25th anniversary all alone. However, there was never any doubt I’d still be in New Zealand at this 25th anniversary, no matter what. As I wrote shortly after Nigel died:
Nigel—who you may have noticed said a lot of insightful things in his final weeks—asked me if I’d go back the USA, and I said no. "Good!", he said. He then added, “To be honest, and I don’t mean this in a negative way, but I think you make a much better Kiwi than you do an American.” I think he’s right. I didn’t ask him why he thought that, but I have a pretty good idea what he meant, or part of the reason he said it, anyway.
And that’s the crux of it: While I came to New Zealand to be with Nigel and to begin our life together, New Zealand and I grew together and intertwined as much as Nigel and I had. This country is now as much a part of my being as Nigel was, and even though the links were different, the important thing is that ripping me out of New Zealand would be the same as ripping Nigel away from me. I’ve survived the loss of Nigel so far, but I doubt I could survive losing New Zealand, too.

This is one of Nigel’s many gifts to me. First and foremost, there was the love and life we shared for 24 years, but next, and in a distant, lower place on the list, there’s my connection to New Zealand, something that I got through him and because of him. That never would’ve happened if Nigel and I had never met or built a life together.

That shared love that warmed me for 24 wonderful years still warms me, despite everything, a year after Nigel’s death. That’s why this anniversary, even though it’s sad because of all I’ve lost, is actually still happy: I loved and was loved, and I began a new life in a country I love, and all of that officially began 25 years ago today.

I think I always knew that reality, but maybe I just understand it better now. In 2018, the last November 2 anniversary that we celebrated together, I wrote:
So, while this date has always been significant for multiple reasons—including for this blog—it’s the personal aspects of it that matter the most. I can’t see that ever changing.
I was right: It hasn’t changed. I desperately miss Nigel and I’m fucking angry that he’s not here with me for this 25th anniversary, but he’s not and I can’t change that. While it’s true that this anniversary was always our thing and it was about us, it’s also only because it was our thing and about us that it can still be my thing, and only about me. That’s not quite the happy thing it was, but in important ways it still is happy. And always will be.

This day carries sadness, but also something else: A profound gratitude for the 24 wonderful years I had with Nigel, and the now 25 year life in Aotearoa New Zealand, something I gained because I loved Nigel and he loved me. I think that the risk I took—that we took—25 years ago was worth it, despite everything. We both took an absolutely giant leap of faith in 1995, and I’m so glad and fortunate that we did. As I said back in 2009, “Don’t assume that your dreams won’t come true, because you may be only one day away from the start of it all.”

I now understand that I’m still only one day away. Thank you, Nigel—and happy anniversary, sweetheart!

Previously:

Twenty four Years (2019)

Posts from happier years:

Twenty Three Years Together (2018)
Twenty Two Years Together (2017)
Twenty One Years Together (2016)
Twenty Years Together (2015)
Surreal 19th Expataversary (2014)
Eighteen (2013)
The day that really mattered (2012)
Sweet sixteen (2011)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)
Lucky 13: Expataversary and more (2008)
Twelfth Anniversary (2007)
Eleven Years an Expat (2006)

Related:

Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen

Saturday, September 12, 2020

25 years ago

25 years ago today, I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, marking the beginning of the story arc I lived for 24 years. Until last year. Since then, it’s been a new story arc, one that in some ways has barely begun.

I left New Zealand later in September 1995, and returned early in November to stay, and I’ve livered here ever since. Something I wrote (twice) in last year’s post has proven to be prophetic. I wrote: “I’m still here, and that’s what matters.”

Last year, I simply meant that I was still in New Zealand, that my story was continuing, because when I said that in the post I had no idea that the particular story that began on September 12, 1995 would end a week later. After that, it really was about me and the fact that I was still here—both in New Zealand, and also alive.

September 12, 1995 was what I’ve often called a “foundation date”, because that’s what it was: It began of the story arc I lived for the following 24 years. On that day Nigel and I met in person for the first time after, following months of online chats, emails, and phone calls. Clearly things worked out alright despite what was, at the time, an extremely unusual start. I suppose that, in a sense, the story’s end—with the fast death of Nigel—was also extremely unusual. Maybe I should’ve expected an unusual end to a story that began unusually, too.

I came to New Zealand to be with Nigel, first as a tourist in September 1995, then to stay the following November. This country became my home, because of my life with Nigel, something I realised was happening even before I began this blog. And because this was the first significant date in our story’s timeline, it’s always been special to me.

Today is also the final anniversary I shared with Nigel. Last year, as with every other, we just said “happy anniversary” to each other, and nothing more. Our “real” anniversary was some seven weeks later, but Nigel didn’t live to see our “real” 24th anniversary, which ended up making that particular September anniversary last year very poignant for me, because there were no more after that. That sort of thing is common enough for people who’ve experienced profound loss, I suppose.

In any case, I’m still here. Is that what matters? I don’t know. I don’t think so, but it’s now what my story is about, and today is still that story’s foundation date.

Previous posts about this anniversary (the first three only mention it):

Anniversay Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Where it began (2010)
Anniversary of the beginning (2011)
Another anniversary (2012)
18 years ago today (2013)
19 years ago today (2014)
Twenty years ago today (2015)
21 years ago today (2016)
22 years ago today (2017)
23 years ago today (2018)
24 years ago today (2019)

This image up top is the "Memory" I shared on my personal Facebook this morning.

Saturday, November 02, 2019

Twenty-four years

Twenty-four years ago today, I arrived in New Zealand to stay and began my new life with Nigel. We always used to celebrate this anniversary as our own because it was when “we” began, and that made it important to us. This year’s is the first one without him, and I still have no idea how to do this—create a totally different life than the one we’d planned together. I at least know (hope?) that the next anniversary may not hurt quite as much.

Posts from previous, happier years:
Eighteen (2013)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)

Related:
Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen
Foreign-born human – A 2015 post re-examining the word “expat”
-->

Thursday, September 12, 2019

24 years ago

Twenty-four years ago yesterday, I arrived in New Zealand as a tourist, the beginning of my current story arc. I left New Zealand later that month, and returned five weeks later to stay. I’m still here, and that’s what matters.

I used to remember this anniversary for the first few years, and then everything changed six years later, something I’ve explained before: September 12 here is September 11 in the USA. As I said last year.

Despite that, and even in the years I’d “forgotten” about it, September 12 is an important anniversary because of the past 24 years of my life. I’ve called it “a sort of foundation date”, and it was. And that’s why I remember it each year, even if there are sometimes it seems better not to say so.

I’m still here. That’s what matters.

Previous posts about this anniversary (the first three only mention it):

Anniversay Time (2007)
Blogoversary 2 (2008)
Anniversaries Three and Fourteen (2009)
Where it began (2010)
Anniversary of the beginning (2011)
Another anniversary (2012)
18 years ago today (2013)
19 years ago today (2014)
Twenty years ago today (2015)
21 years ago today (2016)
22 years ago today (2017)
23 years ago today (2018)

Friday, November 02, 2018

Twenty Three Years Together

Today is the biggest anniversary: Twenty-three years ago today, November 2, 1995, I arrived in New Zealand to live. It was the day that Nigel and I began our life together, and it became the date we observed as our anniversary. Later we had many other dates to choose from, and all of them matter for their own reasons. But this date is the most special of them all.

I used to call this my “expataversary”, because it’s the day I officially became an expat. It was also the day that my story in New Zealand began. I later shared those stories on this blog, my podcast, or even my YouTube videos, so, in sense, they’re all directly related to that “expataversary”.

But, the expat aspect diminished in significance as the years have passed because my life is so firmly entwined with this country, and with Nigel, of course. As I said last year:
“…because this date was when Nigel and I began our life together, it has even greater personal importance. Sure, that couldn’t have happened if the expat thing hadn’t happened, but when looking at what matters most to my life, how it unfolded, how my life was changed and shaped, it was beginning life with Nigel that matters more than anything else in my life, including the arrival here—which made all that possible.”
So, while this date has always been significant for multiple reasons—including for this blog—it’s the personal aspects of it that matter the most. I can’t see that ever changing.

Here’s to 23 more!

Posts from previous years:
Twenty Two Years Together (2017)
Twenty One Years Together (2016)
Twenty Years Together (2015)
Surreal 19th Expataversary (2014)
Eighteen (2013)
The day that really mattered (2012)
Sweet sixteen (2011)
Fifteen (2010)
Fourteen (2009)
Lucky 13: Expataversary and more (2008)
Twelfth Anniversary (2007)
Eleven Years an Expat (2006)

Related:
Ex, but not ex- – A 2006 post about being an expat
Changing policies and lives – A 2011 post about becoming a permanent resident
12 years a citizen – A 2014 post about becoming a NZ citizen
Foreign-born human – A 2015 post re-examining the word “expat”