Sunday, October 31, 2021

Eight years married

Eight years ago today Nigel and I were legally married. It was the happiest day of my life, and even in his last days Nigel told me it was the happiest day of his life, too. I think he may have said that to others, too, though I’m not sure.

I recently realised something important. If we’re fortunate enough to meet our soulmate, we plan to spend the rest of our lives with them. When Nigel died, I felt cheated because I may have a couple decades or so of life still ahead of me, and I won’t get to spend them with him—the only thing I actually wanted out of life. This made me profoundly sad—and it still does. However, what I recently realised is that Nigel DID get to spend the rest of his life with me, and I’m so humbled, honoured, and maybe even a little shocked, to have been the one he chose, the one who could be with him to the very end. At the same time, I’m also honoured, and proud and deeply happy, to have been the one to be there for him to the end of his life.

We were supposed to grow old together—that was always our only plan, and neither of us got that chance. I’ll be honest: There were plenty of times over our life together when I wondered why he chose me, and even why he put up with me for all those years, but what this thing I realised made me see is that I was there for him always. That’s the answer to my questions, because I knew he’d be there for me no matter what, and he knew I would be there for him no matter what, too. It’s what soulmates do.

But damn, life without him is pretty shitty. Despite that and all that goes with that fact, I was able to always be there for him, and he got to spend the rest of his life with me. Knowing that is like getting a huge, long hug from him. The anniversary of the day we were legally married is the perfect time to think about all that, because it was the happiest day of our lives. I understand now that it still is for me.

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart. I love you.

It’s still seven years married (2020)
Mixed feelings day (2019)
Fifth Anniversary (2018)
Fourth Anniversary (2017)
Third Anniversary (2016)
Second Anniversary (2015)
Still married (2014)

To be married
Husband and husband
Just one more


Roger Owen Green said...

Those bittersweet moments.
I'm sure Nigel found you more lovable than you can imagine.

Arthur Schenck said...

Quite possibly so, and I daresay he'd be surprised at how loveable I found him. One of the curses we humans have, I think, is to never fully appreciate the worth we have in others' eyes.