The world rejoices

I woke up this morning to the glorious news that Paris Hilton has been freed from jail after three long days due to undisclosed “medical reasons”. Anonymous sources report that Hilton required emergency treatment for a chipped fingernail.

As news spread, spontaneous celebrations began throughout the world. Like everyone else, I was relieved to finally have something important to focus on.

I mean, the news that the US prevented the G8 from setting climate deadlines is obviously just fluff, deserving no more than the five seconds before the TV news goes to commercial. And the new milestone of 3500 dead Americans in Iraq? Please! That goes right after a story about a dog on a skateboard or a pet fish that waves at its owner while humming God Bless America.

When is the news media going to get it? When are they going to understand that we only want real news? We want a PHN (Paris Hilton News), not that stupid CNN! We don’t need their statistics or information about the criminals in the Bush Administration—we want Paris Hilton! We want Lindsay Lohan! We want exposés comparing celebrity mugshots, we want to know about spectacular meltdowns and celebrities who suddenly shave their heads. We want to know about Bradjolina!

Well, until the media understands that they have a role to play in helping us to keep away from all the unpleasantness in the world, at least we can be glad that this one time they got it right. They finally had a sense of perspective about what’s the most important story in the world.