Thirteen months

Thirteen months ago today, Nigel died. Thirteen months isn’t exactly the sort of thing most people would note, but this comes just after the end of what was a very difficult time for me, some six weeks centred around the anniversary of Nigel’s death. I knew it would be a bad time and I was as prepared for that as I could be. It turned out that it was also a time of growth. Same as the previous thirteen months.

The six weeks beginning in late August through September began, really, with the first of Nigel’s birthdays since he died, then a few weeks later the first anniversary of his death, though that was a few days after the first 52 weeks were up. Around that time, Facebook served up a “Memory” about something I never talked about here, the Facebook post where I talked about how serious his condition was for the first time. That “Memory” also made me remember the day Nigel left our house for the last time.

However, it wasn’t all unrelentingly bad. Facebook also served up a very happy “Memory” about the day Nigel and I went to file the forms and pay the fee for our marriage. I wouldn’t have remembered that without Facebook’s prompting. Then, at the start of this month another “Memory” made me realise that last year I’d completely missed one of the “firsts” that happened after Nigel died, something that led to decidedly positive realisations.

In fact, despite some very, very bad times, despite times it seemed I couldn’t stop crying, and my stomach literally ached from all that crying, and despite how desperately sad and lonely I felt much of that time, there were days I felt, basically, okay. Not many, but it’s the quality of those okay days, not the quantity, that matters on this journey.

I recently took an entirely new step on my journey. Lately, I’ve been wishing I knew a bunch of other gay widowers so I could just vent with people who understand exactly what I’m going through, and so I could give them a safe place to vent, too. The thing about profound grief is that nearly all of us have dark thoughts, and they pass, but it would alarm other, non-grieving, people if we said them out loud. So, my alternative was to say nothing to anyone, ever.

The recent change was that I suddenly realised that there had to be Facebook groups for gay widowers, since there seems to be groups for absolutely everything else. I found two and joined them—and it turned out to be the single best thing I’ve done for myself since this forced journey began.

The thing that makes it so powerful is that it provides what I was looking for: A safe place to say whatever’s on our minds and to share our experience with others, especially those who are at an earlier stage than we are. It also provides a glimpse of what our futures may be—or not (grief is an entirely individual thing). We can say those dark thoughts out loud to people who thoroughly understand what we’re thinking and feeling, but who won’t judge us for having them, let alone saying them out loud. Because what we mainly need is a place to say stuff out loud—to vent—so we can let it go and move on.

I’ve also seen people say the same sorts of things that I’ve said in these posts, offered the same sort of advice I’ve shared, too. That sort of affirmation is reassuring, and incredibly comforting: My reactions and advice about this journey, and even the earned wisdom, are more “universal” than I knew.

These posts also prepared me for the groups: Because of them, I’m used to being open and honest, and willing to share my experience and earned wisdom. I always said that part of the reason I’ve done these posts is that someone may one day run across them and find comfort and realise they’re not crazy and that they’re definitely not alone. We each need to find that in a place and in a way that works for us, including things like some random guy’s blog or Facebook groups.

So, the time since last August has been particularly difficult for me overall, with some brighter spots, and some good things that came from it. None of that changes the fact that this journey is horrible, of course, and that pretty much describes the entirely of the past thirteen months. It will for some time yet, too.