AmeriNZ Blog: It’s still seven years married

Saturday, October 31, 2020

It’s still seven years married

Seven years ago today Nigel and I were legally married. It was the happiest day we had together, which makes today quite sad. There was a time we both thought marriage would be impossible, until it was it possible. And we were so happy—before the marriage and after, but to be able to be married was very special to us both. It’s a happy memory.

But, it IS just a memory now. I can’t change that, no matter how much I want to, no matter how hard I wish for it, demand it, or dream about it. What’s done is done, and I can’t change that.

There’s one more thing that hasn’t changed, and I’ve been very clear about it from the beginning of this grief journey: As far as I’m concerned, Nigel and I are still married, even though, obviously, we aren’t anymore in a legal or corporeal sense. When I get some form that demands my marital status, like a NZ government form, for example, I have to put “Widow/Widower”. That’s what I am now, and I know that. However, aside from that, when it comes up I’ll sometimes refer to Nigel as “my late husband”, which is a common enough thing to do, but to me it’s not just making clear that he’s died—I’m also declaring that he was my husband, and, more subtly, I’m really saying that, to me, he still is my husband.

Actually, I often still say us, our, and we, in the present tense, which is mostly out of a decades-long habit. Sometimes I remember to use the past tense, or use the pronouns for me alone. That much is evolving, but it’s still part of the fact that, in my mind, I think of us as an us, even though we’re no longer together physically.

Today has been another a mixed emotions day. Memories of marrying my Nigel are still very happy ones, but the fact he’s no longer here makes me indescribably sad. I’m happy we found each other, and sad that it ended. Still we were together, we were married, and, in a sense, we still are.

I’ll close this year with what I said last year, because it’s still true, too:

So, sad and with mixed (and often conflicting) feelings, all I can think of to say is what I would have said to Nigel if he was still alive: Happy Anniversary, sweetheart. I love you.