Finding the tools

Adjustment to an unexpectedly solo life isn’t just about figuring out how to do things on my own, it’s also about figuring out how to do things on my own. Confused? Welcome to my world. The important thing is that figuring out how to do something before I can figure out how I want to do something. In other words, it’s about finding the tools to cope with all the challenges of this new life, many of them unanticipated.

I was reminded of that today when I found some tools—literal, actual tools: Two needle-nose pliers that Nigel put into a case he used when fixing family members’ computers and related techie projects. He hadn’t used the case in years, mostly because the repairs had become much less work, and rarer, for himself and for family members. So, he forgot all about those pliers.

This was so very Nigel: He’d forget where he’d put a tool and he’d often buy a new one. This is how he ended up with two soldering irons, both of which I’ve found but don’t know how to use. Yet. I also have another pair of needle-nose pliers (somewhere…), and maybe a fourth somewhere else (because I haven’t yet opened dozens and dozens of boxes).

When I moved into this house, I had our small toolbox with some tools in it. But I haven’t found all our tools yet, or our “main” toolbox. Over time, as I’ve found tools I put them in what is now a small and overflowing tool box. I also did a Nigel: I bought a set of screwdrivers because I needed some for projects I was doing, but the ones we already had are still in a box—somewhere. The new ones came in a rack I can mount on the wall—that alone makes it justifiable, right?

This talk about tools is kind of a metaphor. There are things I can’t do, or do correctly, because I don’t have the tools. In some cases, I may not know how to do the thing, in others I don’t have actual tools to do the thing. When we’re talking about literal tools, the first I can find out easily enough, the second may be harder because I have to either find them or buy them.

When we’re talking more figuratively, it turns out there are a LOT of things that newly widowed folks have to figure out, everything from changing banking, utilities, and insurance, etc., and to more personal things, like the healthcare issues I wrote about on Saturday. Those personal things are the hardest. Before I can do a thing, I have to figure out how to do it—the first set of tools I need to find. Then, I need to do the thing, and that often means other tools—training, advice, that sort of thing.

So, literal and figurative tools aren’t really that different.

Since Nigel died, I’ve learned how much I have to learn, and I now know how much I don’t know. It goes with the territory. But I’m slowly finding my way through all this, finding the tools I need. I just don’t usually unexpectedly find doubles of tools I need.

The photo above is of the two needle-nose pliers I found. The ones on top are the ones Nigel had when I arrived in New Zealand. The ones below are the second ones he bought, probably when he couldn’t find the others. The tip of the beak of the bottom one was snapped off at some point, but I have no idea when or how. Some things will remain a mystery.