Sunday, September 20, 2020

The horrible anniversary

And so, it’s arrived: It’s officially the horrible anniversary of the day the life of my Nigel ended, and so did our life together. I’m sad, of course, but when am I not? The love of my life, my true soulmate, my best friend has now been gone for a year, and it hurts every bit as much now as it did then—but I’ve learned to coexist with that pain.

I think of him every day, cry sometimes, miss him always, smile at memories of good times, and laugh about his cheeky humour and how he could be such a loveable jerk when he wanted to be. I’m not sad just because he died, I’m sad because all of the good stuff that went with him.

Today is something else, too: From now onwards, every anniversary that comes up will be one that‘s already happened at least once since Nigel died, plus there will be anniversaries of things he couldn’t be part of. Each day now is entirely my own, and the day exactly a year before those anniversaries will have been mine without him, too. That means that today is a milestone for me in whatever my new life will become.

But I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care about anniversaries, milestones, or whatever. All I care about is that person I loved more than anyone in my life, the person who was the biggest influence on my life, has now officially been gone a year. And I absolutely hate that.

The friends and family that Nigel and I shared are in this with me, of course, and I think that over the past year we’ve drawn strength from each other. I know that will be true from now on, too.

Thanks to everyone who’s supported me through this journey, and shared it with me. Whether we’ve met in real life or not, whether we have a close bond or more casual acquaintance, you’ve all been part of getting me through this year—and, yes, that includes comments here and “Reactions” or comments on the AmeriNZ Facebook Page. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all. And, I know that if he could, my beloved Nigel would thank you, too, for helping to make his final wish come true: That I’d be okay.

But, most of all, I just miss my Nigel. Every day. I don’t need an “anniversary” for that.

This is a revised version of something I posted on my personal Facebook this morning. The photo up top is of Nigel and me at the Celine Dion concert in Auckland in August, 2018. I’ve always liked this photo because of how obviously happy Nigel was in it. It was a good night. (I first used the photo in my first blog post after Nigel died). The image below is what I posted on my personal Facebook right after Nigel died, as it looked on my Facebook Page last night.


Roger Owen Green said...

When you posted that last year on FB, I was genuinely shocked. I mean you had given indications. But the time from the time of his diagnosis until his passing was so quick...

Again, my condolences.

Arthur Schenck said...

Yeah, only eleven days.