Condoms and Hell

According to far-right “Christians”, condoms lead straight to hell. It’s true. They believe that sex is only for a man and woman married to each other intending to make babies. You don’t need condoms for that, so if you use them it must be for total naughtiness and that is of the devil.

They must be right, because recently in New Zealand, Hell delivered the condoms direct to people.

In a promotion for their “Lust” pizza, the Hell Pizza chain (recently acquired by the NZ Burger King master franchise) delivered around 170,000 branded condom packets, complete with instructions for use, to NZ households, according to Wellington’s Dominion Post newspaper (via stuff.co.nz).

Apparently, a couple in their mid-60s were “disgusted” when the found out the packet they thought contained a disposable towel actually held a condom. I can imagine how distressing it would be to reach for a towel to wipe up that spilled tea, and whoa! What’s that condom doing in there! The wife told the paper she didn’t want to have to explain to an 11-year-old what it was, forgetting, of course, that these days the 11 year-old could probably explain it to her.

A wowser group called the “Society for the Promotion of Community Standards” (which everyone colourfully pronounces “spuck”) wondered if next condoms would be put into ice creams. In language far more image-filled than was probably a good idea, their spokes-spuck asked the paper, “Are we going to next see kids sucking ice creams only to find a condom at the base once they've licked off all the ice cream?"

At the risk of further offending the dears who missed out on a towel or the spuc-and-span brigade, there is one little thing I think it’s appropriate to suggest, ever so lovingly, of course: Get a life, will ya? It was a condom, for goodness sake, not a pornographic magazine! It wasn’t delivered by topless hookers carrying whips. There was no requirement to disrobe before opening the packet (although—just in the interest of educating the recipients—disrobing can be quite useful if you intend to actually use the condom, but that’s strictly up to you).

There are plenty of things in this world, and in New Zealand, to get upset about. A free condom is definitely not one of them. Still, it’s kind of refreshing to live in a place where a free condom can get people so angry, rather than dealing with the suspension of the writ of habeas corpus or other similar high crimes and misdemeanours.

Pass the pizza, please.