My strength comes from learning and hope

The image above is a Facebook “Memory”, a reminder that I was feeling hopeful on this day four years ago, though it was mixed with understandable trepidation. If I’d had any idea what this current decade of my life would bring, I wouldn’t have been “intrigued”. A mere nine months after that day four years ago, my entire world was destroyed, and I’m still living in the ruins.

Until relatively recently, I beat myself up constantly over how slow my progress, such as it is, has been. I was an idiot.

On 22 February 2011 at 12:51pm, Christchurch had a severe earthquake that in ten seconds destroyed much of the CBD and eastern suburbs. Nearly 12 years later, the rebuild still isn’t finished. What on earth made me think I could rebuild my life in only 3 (and a bit) years?!!

It turns out that the time since the third anniversary of Nigel’s death has been among the worst of the whole journey. I know some of why that is, some of it mystifies me, but a bad fourth year is also apparently a relatively common experience in profound grief.

As I’ve documented, I constantly learn more all the time, and that’s been the source of whatever strength I’ve had. I always find better ways to manage this journey, and freely abandon what simply doesn’t work for me. But it’s the hardest work I’ve ever done, and it utterly exhausts me. Some days all I can manage is nothing at all. Other days, though, are very different.

I choose to push through dark days not because I “have to”, but because it’s what I do, probably because I’m stubborn. But I know all too well that no day—no single second—is guaranteed to anyone, ever, and if I’m not in a position to “seize every moment”, I’m definitely seizing every one that I can, even if it’s only that one moment.

This evening I’m getting together with some of the whānau and we’re having pizza—two of my favourite things at once! It’s sort of an early birthday thing in a year in which my birthday isn’t particularly significant.

My birthday four years ago definitely was significant, and in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Four years ago I said I was hopeful, and the thing is that even now, despite EVERYTHING, and despite how f*cking hard this journey has been and is, I’m still hopeful. I found out that hope is the strongest part of me. I wish everyone could feel that kind of hope.