Friday, September 17, 2021

104 weeks ago today

Today is 104 weeks since I lost love of my life, Nigel. By date, the second horrible anniversary will be on Monday, but it’s today when measured by weeks. That’s really just semantics, and changes nothing about the reality of what’s being remembered. But that was about an ending, and not about what happened before it, so this horrible anniversary is really about me, and those who mourn Nigel. Which is why I’ve been so surprised by this day today.

I don’t want to oversell, over promise, or in any way raise expectations, but, something feels different today, and positive. Nigel’s been on my mind all day, of course, and I’ve missed him like crazy, like always. However, I’ve also been okay.

I planned a quiet day today: I needed to pick up a prescription refill, and I wanted to pick up a few things for a couple projects. I also thought I might get a haircut, but, in the end, I found shopping under Level 2 restrictions somewhat confronting, and I’ve never gotten a haircut at Level 2. So, I decided to just be kind to myself and skip it for now. Especially because of my next stop.

I had to go to Countdown to get my prescription, and I’ve never been to a Countdown at anything other than Level One because I found it too stressful (I've been to New World under other Alert Levels, though). I did some grocery shopping while they got my prescription ready.

Then, I went home, because what I wanted most was just a quiet day at home with Leo, and for a simple reason: Today wasn’t only about Nigel, because we lost Jake one week ago today. Leo and I had a good afternoon, in the end. Dogs are really good at making us feel good, even when they're not trying.

I suppose I could’ve expected something positive today: The sun was shining this morning, after a week of rain and clouds, and that’s always a good thing. But the skies grew cloudy, and the temperatures stayed stubbornly cool. That could’ve ruined things—but I still felt okay.

I don’t know if this is the start of a new phase in my grief journey, or just a calm patch; maybe things will be worse on Monday? I have no idea. But I do feel like something has changed, something I can only think to call, I don’t know, peace? No wonder I’ve been so surprised by this day. I’ll soon know if the surprise continues.

Still, Nigel’s been on my mind all day, and I’ve missed him like crazy, like always. However, I’ve also been okay, and that’s just a surprise, whether it lasts or not.

”52 Weeks”
– My blog post from last year.

The image above is something I posted to my personal Facebook this morning. The original text of a short comment I made on that post is incorporated into this blog post, though revised, expanded, and updated.


Roger Owen Green said...

I'd long thought about the breakdowns of a year, how weeks have little to do with months (except February).
But I was oddly blown away when I first heard "525,600 minutes" in RENT's Seasons of Love.

Arthur Schenck said...

In a similar vein, I loved Moody Blues' 1981 album Long Distance Voyager when it came out, but I was confounded by one song, "22,000 Days", which has the lyric " 22, 000 days / It's not a lot, it's all you've got…" I knew it was about not wasting days, but someone who lived 22,000 days would be last a bit beyond 60.

I've since read that that was once the average human lifespan--in 1973, anyway (it's now in the 70s). That made me twitch just a little bit less when I heard the song.