This morning I checked Facebook, as I usually do, and saw that one of my high school classmates had posted that a classmate of ours had died. This is what I posted in response on my personal Facebook:
Feeling a bit sad today: Another of my high school classmates has died too young. Becky was diagnosed with breast cancer ten years ago, I'm told, and battled it ever since. While I knew her in high school, we weren't "friends"—it was high school, after all, and life was different at that age. But back in 2012 we reconnected here on Facebook, and I got to know her—for the first time, really. She was awesome—like all the other high school classmates I've reconnected with here on FB. In fact, I've said many times that if I'd had *any* idea how awesome they were, I'd have gone out of my way to be friends with them back in high school. Becky was a prime example of that. I'm so glad I got the chance to get to know Becky all over again.This isn’t the first time that a friend from my past life in Illinois has died, but the first time I remember talking about that on this blog was about my friend Hector, who died in 2012. There have been several others since then, most of whom I haven’t talked about here because it had become too much.
Right now I'm thinking especially about her close friends and family, who are really hurting right now. I hope that their memories of Becky, and the support of friends and family, will help ease their sadness. Becky is at peace and without pain. I wish we could have had her longer, but I'm glad she's no longer suffering. Her journey has ended. I hope that everyone who loved her finds peace and is surrounded by love at this sad time. Farewell Becky, and thank you for being you.
The reason this is so hard to experience from the other side of the world is, if I’m honest, partly because travelling back for a memorial or funeral isn’t an option: It’s cost-prohibitive and takes a lot of time just getting there and back. Most of us aren’t in a position to do that at any given moment. So, we can’t pay our final respects, and we can’t offer support to others—we can’t do any of the usual things one does when someone close to us dies. But there’s one other thing that makes it difficult: Usually no one in our new homeland knew the person whose death we’re mourning. So, while they certainly understand the feelings, they don’t precisely share them.
Which is where Facebook plays a positive role. Sure, it’s terrible to get such news from a Facebook post so early in the morning (which is when I always get them), but it’s also the only place to share memories and swap stories with others who knew the person we’ve lost. Shared grief is an important part of being human, I think, and part of the coping and healing process. Social media like Facebook is one way to have that—maybe the only way for an expat, because we can do that from the other side of the world.
In this particular case, I’m fortunate that I had time to get to know my friend again (we became Facebook friends in 2012), so I don’t feel like I missed out, as I did when Hector died. And yet, there could, and should, have been so much more time. Isn’t that usually the case? As I said in a comment to my Facebook post:
It's a reminder, I think, to cherish every moment we get with the people we care about, because we can never know when the time will run out
Time and distance are not anyone’s friends. It’s best to concentrate on the people who are. Actually, that’s good advice for us all, not just expats.
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