This morning I was casually scrolling through FB, as I do most mornings, and my feed was filled with posts by folks who’d lost their spouses (which isn’t unusual, since I’m in two FB groups for LGBTQ+ widows/widowers). And then I ran across the song in the video above*. “King of the Road” by Roger Miller was once one of Nigel’s go-to karaoke songs at family parties, and in my head I “saw” him singing it.
However, none of that was triggering for me. I’m well used to seeing FB posts from widows/widowers, and my memories of Nigel singing that song also make me remember why he eventually stopped singing it: The bridge is difficult to sing (LYRICS), and a bit annoyingly so. He eventually gave it up largely because of that.
Five years ago, my reactions could well have been very different—no, they definitely would’ve been different. Now, it’s all just part of me, all mooshed together, combined with everything else I am. That’s because of time.
The lesson for me is that all experiences in life, good and bad, are temporary, so we should enjoy the good ones as much as we can, and with all our might, and know that eventually the bad ones won’t hurt as as much as they did at the time. Good and bad, everything, becomes part of the totality of who we are, and with grief in particular, we grow around it and with it, not away from it, and what was once a source of searing pain can become a source of comfort—and strength.
I’m better in every possible way because of my life with Nigel, and he and the life we shared are still a source of strength for me. Sure, sometimes I feel sad, and sometimes thinking about my loss brings tears, something I expect will be true for the rest of my life. But most of the time it just makes me glad to have loved someone and been loved by him enough to sometimes feel sad about losing him—and that now, far more often than not, that gladness makes me smile and even feel happy, not sad.
Seeing others share their pain reminds me of all that, and so does a very specific reminder of something about Nigel at family karaoke. Five years ago, this song could’ve made me cry at the memory of Nigel always singing it. Now, I’m more likely to remember how that bridge frustrated him. Because, for me, remembering the totality of who a lost loved one was is always better than remembering only the pain of having lost them. Time, you see, eventually becomes our ally.
*The YouTube video up top is very similar to the version I saw on Facebook, especially the fact that the original audio was replaced with, it seems, the album version so it had better audio. I had my doubts about whether this video will remain on YouTube long term, which is why I almost didn’t include it. However, it’s at least a moving video (for now?) and that I decided that makes it worthy of sharing.
This post is based on what I posted on my personal Facebook this morning, with a few modifications, including links within the post, and finding a different video to include.
2 comments:
That's definitely the recorded single. When I was 13 or so, I belonged to the Capitol record club and one of the LPs I got - because I didn't return the card - was Roger Miller: Golden Hits on Smash Records. I did not want it but I grew to love it.
When I saw the Facebook version, I was using my iPad, and the speakers on that are okay, but not awesome. At first I didn't notice it was a more polished vocal until a scene part way through where audience members (who appeared to be teen girls) were cheering and clapping excitedly during the song, yet there was no audience noise whatsoever.
When I found this particular video, I was using headphones and I could definitely hear that it wasn't live on the video, even the synching is reasonably well done (the description said something about "remastered audio", which it isn't, of course—it was completely replaced). The edit of this video is slightly different to the FB one, but 55 seconds in there's a shot looking toward the audience who are clapping along—but they make no sound at all, just like in the FB version.
Having said all that, this isn't the first time I've seen a "recreated" video. Similar ones I've seen took concert footage and also used an album version of the song to create the illusion that it's an actual music video. I don't have a huge problem with that, since artists in many actual music videos are lip synching to their own recordings. On the other hand, I think it's slightly dishonest because a real music video would've been planned to use a separately recorded version of the audio, and not an entirely separate one. But, if the artist has died, then maybe I can overlook that?
Eventually, people will probably use AI to create music videos that were never made, and that may turn out to be much more dishonest.
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