Challenges and bright spots

Reminders about our lives and past are literally everywhere, and today I got one following what had been a trying week for me. The reminder was a happy one.

This morning, I saw that Facebook served up another “Memory”, the photo up top. It was of Nigel and me at the Celene Dion concert in Auckland on August 11, 2018, something I barely mentioned at the time, and I'm not sure I ever shared the photo here. When I shared the ”Memory” on Facebook today, I said:

Nigel’s smile in this photo from six years ago today was totally genuine: He loved the concert and had such a good time. He was always a bigger fan of Celine Dion than I was, but I was glad I got to see her, especially because of her challenges we didn’t yet know about. Nigel and I also had no way of knowing that a year later, everything would change forever. I often think about that night in August 2018, and especially how happy Nigel was, and that thought makes me happy, and it also makes me really like this photo, despite the fact I never liked the way I look in it (a common enough thing for selfies I took of us, actually). The following January, we had my birthday party, and there were plenty more smiles. It’s those happy memories that sustain me and give me strength, even now.

The memory came after a challenging time this week. Yesterday, I wrote on Facebook that “the past couple days or so have been a little bit rough, for very different reasons.” On Thursday, I’d gone with some family to the funeral for one of Nigel’s uncles (his mum’s brother), who died last week. His wife died a couple years ago. The two of them were always nice and friendly to me, which isn’t always the case with older folks raised in rural farming communities. They were both particularly kind to me when Nigel died, so I wanted to be there as my last chance to acknowledge and honour their kindness. I met their son (Nigel’s cousin) for the first time (he and his family live overseas), and he told me that his parents had some wonderful stories of Nigel and me, which was nice to hear.

Even so, funerals are extremely difficult for me, for obvious reasons, and it’s really only now that I feel strong enough to go to one. It made for a long day, though, since it was like an hour and a half drive each way (I was fortunate that my brother in law drove).

A little while after I got home Thursday evening, I felt like I had a cold—complete with sneezing, runny nose, and feverish feeling (though I didn’t have a fever). I had an early night.

On Friday, I felt worse—same symptoms, but maybe a bit more intense. I felt intensely lethargic (totally a thing), and pretty grumpy and scratchy. I I told (yeah, “told”, that’s the word…) Leo to shut up when he was barking at the front window. He was probably barking at nothing, but telling him to stop doesn’t actually work, no matter what volume I use, something I’m normally very well aware of. I fell asleep in my chair that night, and didn’t wake up for a couple hours, which wasn’t ideal.

I slept late yesterday, and felt better when I got up, but I’ve had these symptoms off and on over the past week-ish, and I think it’s actually some sort of allergy. One reason I think that, apart from the fact the symptoms are sporadic and I never have a fever, is that I know that pine pollen is around—in fact, it’s along one side of my car (and probably on Leo’s fur when he comes back inside the house).

So, this week my biggest accomplishments have been a few loads of washing and running the dishwasher. Yay. On the (VERY) bright side, three weeks from today is the first day of Spring! It won’t be much (if any…) warmer when Spring starts on September first, of course, but the days are already noticeably longer, and that means the end of my seasonal malaise is nearing—and that deserves a genuine YAY!

But there’s still a lot for me to get through, a fact that led me to add to my Facebook post about the photo. “I’ll need every one of those happy memories this month and next month.” Nigel’s birthday is later this month, and the fifth Horrible Anniversary is next month. Overall, this year has been about as challenging as I expected it to, and in the spots where I expected it, so that’s something, I guess—I was prepared, maybe? At any rate, the photo popping up on Facebook today, and my memory of how damn happy Nigel was that night, were very, very good things (and so is the fact that, for now, I don’t feel yucky.

But the fact that Spring is around the corner? That makes me irrationally happy. This year, it’s especially worth focusing on the good things, and there are always good things. Even for me.