Ask Arthur 2023, Part 4: Saying no and being okay

Today’s post heads in a different direction than the previous ones, but it’s actually not that different from questions I’ve taken on in past series, though it's perhaps a bit more specific than others have been. To me, that makes it more important than many previous questions.

Today’s question is from Anonymous, who writes:

How do I learn to say no? All my life I have tried to live my life helping others. As I approach my mid sixties, I have found myself embroiled in so many people's problems, that I am overwhelmed beyond belief. I'm so deeply involved that I let my needs and sometimes my immediate family needs go, to help someone else. I want to help, but I'm exhausted. I don't want to "not help"... because that changes who I am. But I'm being taken advantage of, and I see no way out, without becoming someone I'm not. Just say no, doesn't work for me.

I know this is more of a Dear Abby question, but you are one of the most reasonable people I know, and I trust you to give an intelligent, concrete answer. P.S. these are dear loved ones, I'm dealing with.

Two things up front: First, thank you for your kind words about me—I hope I live up to the faith you expressed in me, at least a little bit. Second, it’s important I note that I have no qualifications or formal training in helping people with life issues—I’m not a life coach, for example. However, ya know, I’ve been around a bit, and I’ve seen things: Been there, done that, and probably wrote a blog post about it. I mention this upfront because I want to be clear I’m offering my opinions, not expertise.

That said, what you describe is a quite common thing—in fact, when I Googled the topic I got 5.7 billion results, though I wasn’t actually surprised by that. It made me wonder, though: Since this is such a common thing, why aren’t we talking about it more? I suppose I would think that, since I obviously believe in the importance of open and honest communication. I also think this gets to the heart of your issue.

The most obvious thing to say is the thing you already know: It’s okay to say no, and to prioritise your own needs and those of your immediate family. However, you say that “just say no” doesn’t work for you, and you don’t want to change who you are, all of which is completely valid. So many people don’t know who they are at their core, and you do, and that’s something to celebrate.

However, being overwhelmed as the primary helper—or maybe “rescuer” is sometimes a better word?—doesn’t automatically mean saying no. There are another ways, including one I think is more sustainable for everyone, especially you, and it starts with setting boundaries and limits. The difficulty here is that it requires open and honest discussion, and maybe even negotiation, and not all people or all families do those things well. How do we make the transition to a more sustainable way of doing things?

It sounds to me as if you feel you haven’t had control over the level, frequency, and intensity of your involvement, which leads me to think that others might not be aware that, in fact, you have limits just like everyone else does. So maybe a place to start would be with something small, like instead of doing the thing at the time/place/and manner they request, you offer an alternative, and I think there’s a sort of a procedure.

First, it’s probable that some or even most of the folks you’re helping are completely unaware of the toll they’re taking on you. There absolutely are people who always take with no concern, and they know they’re doing it. Then there are people who take because the other person doesn’t ever say no. Finally, there are the people who are utterly unaware they’re asking so much/too much. I think it’s always best to assume someone is in the last category (until/unless they make clear they’re not).

The next step is to begin by affirming. When someone asks you to do a thing that’s not urgent, begin by saying something like, “sure, I’d be happy to help you with that…” and then you begin trying to set boundaries. All tasks can be broken down into smaller ones (more about that in a minute), so you can try asking, “which one of those things is most urgent?”, part of the goal there is to get them to see that all tasks take time to complete, and all can be ranked by urgency, etc. If it’s not a list of things, but a one-off, maybe the negotiation would be something like, “I have a lot to get through over the next few days—could we make it Thursday?” The goal there is to get them to grasp that they’re taking your time from you, while still making it clear you’re willing to help. It’s possible, especially the first time you try something like that, that if they’re not coping well, they may feel like just giving up, and you may feel like backing down and doing what they want when they want it. That’s valid—and you’ve set the stage for trying again to set boundaries the next time they ask.

The next stage is to shift more of the responsibility back onto the person seeking the help. People who ask too much and/or too often sometimes have trouble setting goals. Faced with a big task, especially if they feel they’re in crisis, they might not be able to see that big tasks can always be broken down into smaller ones. If you help them to do that, and to prioritise tasks, you’re training them to do more themselves, as well as setting some boundaries: “How about you work on item X and Y while I do Z?” That approach is less overwhelming or intimidating for them than doing the whole big task alone, and it lets you avoid doing it all, too.

I suspect—but obviously don’t know—that at least some of the folks depending on you have no idea the burden they’re creating for you. My advice here is to try and tell them that—when they’re not asking for help. Reinforce how important those people and their well-being are to you, and that you want to help when you can, but doing so is taking a toll. Some people find such honest conversation too hard to start or too hear. So, one tactic could be to let them think you’re talking about someone else, because they should be able to think about how their own behaviour is causing the same problems.

You didn’t mention this specifically, but it could be that the problem isn’t just people asking too much, but also that others who could help may not be doing enough. That’s particularly difficult to deal with because different people have different—and often many—reasons for not helping.

There’s no way to make someone help if it’s not in their nature, but there’s no harm in expressing to them the extent you’re overwhelmed. You don’t have to be blunt and tell them “you’re not doing enough!” but, instead, you could be honest about how overwhelmed you are and how you need more help. Moat people will get the message, and those who don’t are unlikly to have been of any any help, anyway.

To be honest, I don’t know that any of this will help at all. People are unique and unpredictable, and what works with one person may fail utterly with someone else. The point is to try a few subtle ways of setting limits and putting the word out that you need support. Good people will absolutely rally around—and maybe those who don’t deserve a bit of distance? Only you can be an advocate for you, hard as that is. You’re of course welcome to continue the conversation, either through the comments or privately, and others are welcome to speak up in the comments, too—many hands make light the work, which is my real message in this answer.

Thanks to Anonymous for today’s question! Next time, the final answer in this series,something completely different again.

All posts in this series are tagged “AAA-23”. All previous posts from every “Ask Arthur” series are tagged, appropriately enough, ”Ask Arthur”.

Previously:

”Let the annual inquisition begin” – The first post in this year’s series.
”Ask Arthur 2023, Part 1: Get here from there”
”Ask Arthur 2023, Part 2: Measuring and measured”
”Ask Arthur 2023, Part 3: US political stuff”