Five years ago today, I lived

Five years ago today, I could’ve died, but didn’t. I talked about that 2016 day 2016 in a blog post one year later, and also about what happened because of it and why I survived it all. What I’m struck by reading that old post now is the central role that Nigel played in the story, including things I didn’t say directly, even minor things.

For example, in the post I said, “I’m told that my colour immediately improved after the procedure was done.” That was actually one of the first things Nigel said to me after they wheeled me back to my hospital room after the procedure. There are plenty of other examples, too, because Nigel was always part of the story.

So, when I say that not having Nigel at my side when I face something to do with my health challenges is one of the things I find the hardest to deal with as a widower, I’m actually downplaying the reality, because I can’t possibly express how hard it is without using every curse word in the English language to underscore the point. So, let’s just say it’s still rather difficult, shall we?

But I’ll let you in on a secret: Nigel is still the reason I fight so hard. He was there for me every second I needed him, but I can no longer tell him how much that meant—and still means—to me. I can no longer tell him how much I love him. So, instead, I symbolically tell the world all that by working as hard as I can to live (even if I sometimes annoy doctors…), and by trying to find my way forward in life without him.

I just feel that now the only way I can ever truly thank Nigel for being there for me, the only way I can show my love for him, and the only way I can honour him and the life we had together is by continuing to exist. What we had, the love he gave me, and the inner strength he helped me find within myself, all power me forward and fuel my determination. In a sense, he’s still there with me. Five years ago today, my story could’ve ended, but it didn’t. I’m determined to ensure it doesn’t end before time. Nigel helped me then, and he’s still part of my story by giving me a focus of sorts. Thing is, I’m really honouring us both.

But, yeah, it’s still often rather difficult.