The spirit is somewhat willing

This blog has become something of a burden, or mission, at least, and my podcast has become kind of an impossibility. I don’t know if this is permanent or yet another bout of weltschmerz, but either way, there ain’t much likely to change.

I’m not entirely sure why this situation has come about, apart from things I’ve already blogged about—like my distress last May, or any number of things related to my health journey. More recently, I added more stress from my latest project, but none of that really explains things. On the other hand, I really have been very busy in recent weeks with projects around the house, and lack of time definitely is a factor.

Maybe this is just another of my periodic times of disconnect, when what I want to do and feel able to do are completely detached from one another. Happens frequently.

Overall, I think this is a case of everything feeling disconnected, incomplete, and disjointed, something my latest big project is merely reminding me of. At the same time, though, until I get my house in some semblance of order, I can’t possibly begin to focus on what I want. I mean, how can I with so very much left to deal with?

It’s a well-established fact that people surrounded by clutter are unhappier, even more depressed, than are people who don’t have to deal with mounds of stuff. It would be arrogant to think I’d be immune to forces that affect so many others.

So here I am, surrounded by mountains of stuff—most of it having nothing to do with me personally. Therein lies the other problem: In dealing with this mountain of stuff—Nigel’s stuff—I’m in many ways saying goodbye again and again and again. Is it any wonder this has been so difficult?

And because this has been so difficult, it’s also little wonder that I have so little time/space for things like blogging and podcasting: I don’t have it in me, because I simply don’t have enough space—literally or figuratively.

And yet, I persist. I’m determined to finish this once and for all, and as I go—frustrations notwithstanding—I can see where I want to get to, and so, things I’d like to do. Some day. I’m just not there yet. Until I make progress on all I have to complete, there ain’t much likely to change.

And so it goes.