Thursday, August 27, 2020

It won’t be a good day

I shared this “Facebook Memory” on my personal page this morning. Here’s what I said about it:
Okay [inhales deeply], here we go: Today is Nigel’s birthday, and there’s simply no way in hell it’ll be a good day for me. That’s utterly impossible because of everything I said when I posted this photo six years ago. It was for his 50th birthday, and what I said back then was true right up to the end—and, in fact, it’s all still true in the present tense, because I miss him now every bit as much as I have every single day since he died. I can’t even imagine a time that it won’t hurt so much.

I have a lot to do today: I need to get the house ready for Nigel’s birthday party on Saturday, plus a few everyday sorts of things. This is good. I’ll be able to keep myself busy, but without having to do anything that’s very stressful. I’m glad about that.

Even so, I know that Nigel will be on my mind all day, more so than he is every other day. I always knew today would be difficult, but it’s also only the first of several bad days over the next few weeks. And then I’ll have managed to make it through an entire year without the man who was “not just a wonderful husband or best friend, but a true soulmate”. Thing is, despite the pain I feel now, my life is *still* so much better because I shared it with him, and he still makes me better person. That was his real gift to me.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart. Now and always.
I never posted about Nigel's birthday before, not directly, because I wanted to keep it more private. Those restrictions are gone now, so I’ll have more to say about this day. Of course. Right now, though, I really do have things I need to get done.


Roger Owen Green said...

I'm very sorry. Anniversaries, birthdays are tough. And particularly when they're so young, and it's so unexpected.
I can only imagine...

Arthur Schenck said...

Yep. And since so many of my old "Season of Anniversaries" revolved around Nigel in one way or another, my interest in observing them is greatly reduced. I guess that was to be expected.