Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Good riddance

I couldn’t possibly be happier to see the end of 2019. I hated this year, with good reason, and it can’t end fast enough as far as I’m concerned. Even when it does, all the reasons I hated it, and all the bad things about it, will still be there. But at least it won’t be this year any more.

My loss of Nigel overshadows absolutely everything else that happened this year—of course. I know I must’ve had some really good times during the year, but the only one I can remember is the awesome 60th birthday party Nigel organised for me back in January. Aside from that, it’s all fuzzy and blurred.

I had my own personal challenges this year, too. Back in May, I was hospitalised again for afib, and they rebooted my heart. That was traumatic, but just the most dramatic part of what’s been a hard bad time for me for a few years now: Constantly tired, and, depending on which drug I was on at the time, with blurred thinking and inability to focus.

But all of that is overshadowed by what happened a few months later. Nigel got sick, then died, and I had to add that deep loss to what I was already trying to cope with. It hasn’t always gone well, and sometimes it’s gone very poorly, indeed. It’s no wonder that I hate this year.

There have been plenty of other things that have worked my last nerve this year (yes, including that lying criminal conman polluting the US White House), but none of them—none of them—have affected my life as much as losing the love of my life. Hell, getting my heart shocked was the best fun possible compared to that. And it’s why none of those things things that worked my last nerve can gain any of my attention.

I have no idea how 2020 will go, obviously, but early in it I’ll make a major change, the first steps toward starting whatever my new life will be—my life without Nigel. That’s progress, I think, and good, but—well, I want my old life with Nigel back, not this new one.

And that’s why I hate 2019. It took from me the thing that mattered most to me in the world, the most important part of my entire life: My Nigel. I have absolutely NO idea how I’m supposed to do life without him, but I believe that I’ll figure it out—eventually.

So, yeah: I couldn’t possibly be happier to see the end of 2019.

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