What Joe Wilson meant to say

I saw the fundraising letter sent out by Joe "The Liar" Wilson in an attempt to make money from his heckling of the president and, well, I couldn't resist skewering it. So below is my mocking joke: I imagined what he'd add to the letter if the universe suddenly forced him to say only the truth. So this is the real letter, and the things in red are my sarcastic additions—or are they?!

Dear friend,

Today, I need your help more than ever before (cuz I really screwed up!). I've been under attack by the liberal left (cuz we all know there’s a conservative left, too…) for months because of my opposition to their policies, especially government-run healthcare (and their attempts at restoring that pesky rule of law). They've run commercials in my home district and flooded my office with phone calls and protestors (damn democracy!!). They've done everything they can to quiet my very vocal opposition to more government interference in our lives (again, damn democracy!!). Now, it's gotten even worse (Man, I hate democracy…).

But I will not stop fighting against their policies that will only lead to more government interference, more spending, and higher deficits (and more of that damned democracy!).

Will you please watch this video and stand with me against liberal attacks by making a donation to my campaign? (Cuz, you know, since I screwed up I’m afraid I’ll get screwed financially, too! Those corporate elites may not want to give me any more money if they think I’m “damaged goods”!).

I know that my voice is serving as the voice for Americans across the country who are tired of irresponsible government programs that have only worsened our situation (yeah, everyone thinks Fox can speak for itself, but I love them!). During the August recess, I listened to thousands of concerned taxpayers (of course I did—we PAID to have them speak!) who are mad at the rate in which liberal Democrats are spending their hard-earned money (thankfully, they haven’t noticed how much of their money we Republicans blew when Bush was around. Whew!). They were shocked distraught by our nation's slide toward extreme liberal big government (hey, even I don’t know what that means!) and the attempts by Democrats to nationalize the auto industry and the banking industry (Psych! They don’t even know that was OUR idea!).

I am also frustrated by this, but watching my Democratic colleagues in Congress scoff at the protests of their constituents (am I ever mad that they ignored the shouting we Republicans paid for!) has made me even more infuriated (see?). Unfortunately I let that emotion get the best of me and I reacted by speaking out during the President's speech. I should not have disrespected the President by responding in that manner (but hey, water under the bridge—there’s money to be raised from it!! LOL).

But I am not sorry for fighting back against the dangerous policies of liberal Democrats (like restoring democracy and the rule of law and fighting my beloved corporate elites). America's working families deserve to have their views represented in Washington (which is why I’m so scared—that would mean electing a Democrat!), and I will do so with civility (as long as I’m talking to Republicans only, of course). But I will not back down (from lying, shouting down Democrats and generally ignoring the people who elected me so I can do what the corporate elites want).

Now, I need your help (I mean money, cuz it’s, like, probably too late to make me smart). Yesterday, the liberals used my outburst as a rallying cry behind my Democratic opponent (damn, those Democrats are clever!). Some of the nation's most liberal online activists have helped him raise over $400,000 in just a few short hours (and from REAL people! Not the corporate elites like us Republicans!! This must not be allowed!!). Many friends and organizations are kindly helping me out (and by "friends" I mean super rich folks, and "organizations" means corporate elites and whacko groups, of course—I’m not dumb enough to rely on REAL people!), but this is your chance to donate directly to my campaign to ensure that every dollar goes toward fighting back against and defeating my Democrat opponent (and keep me rolling in the taxpayer money I love so much—hey, I don’t want to have to work a REAL job, would you?!)

As I said, I will continue to passionately fight against the Democrats' big-government agenda (and work for the Republicans’ big government agenda), but I can't do that if we let the Democrats take this seat (cuz then I’d be unemployed and, if I succeed in Congress, I'll be without health insurance, too).

Will you please visit take a few minutes today to watch this video (cuz I worked real hard trying to look sincere—do you think that outfit makes my ego look big?), and make a donation to my campaign (pretty please with sugar on top)? It will take a lot of work (which I hate), but I know we (by which I mean the corporate elites and Republican fatcats) can match what the liberals poured into my opponent's bank account last night (as long as we use play money, of course), and fight back against the Democrats' unwavering attacks (since WE’RE the party of attacks!).

Please click here now to watch my video and help me continue my fight. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Joe Wilson

U.S. Representative

P.S. I will not give up my fight against big-government policies (except the Republican ones, of course), but I need your help to push back against liberal attacks (cuz they’re really scary and so true it hurts). Will you please watch this video and stand with me today by making a donation to my campaign?? (please, please, please don’t make me beg—even more…)